February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. So you talk to your husband and you move out. Why do I hate my husband? The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. (Right?) However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). something random Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. I want to point out how rich it is that LWs FIL is lecturing HER about broken promisesisnt he the one that married MIL and made a vow before God to take care of her in sickness and in health? Its easy to shift blame to others. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. Do what you can to make it easier for all of you, help out, and chill. Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. what were you doing on the counter?) . Of course people are going to judge. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. I just read your comment again. Like I was accusing her of being just mean and ugly to my daughter. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. A central . Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. Not true. Fair enough. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. I think it is natural to feel a little defensive when strangers comment on how shitty someone is for not caring about their poor parents. Sunshine Brite Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. * Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. It will complicate your marriage more. But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. On top of all that, she has a bad memory and the worst judgment and I dont want my daughter or newborn to be around her. You fight over the most trivial thing and give no room for mistakes. Is this a normal feeling? Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. ele4phant 5. Dont be so damn condescending just because you dont believe in how she parented 30 years ago or whenever. I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? I was simply upset because my baby was crying. I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? For whatever that is worth. No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. I am also very sympathetic with the LW. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. My mom put whiskey on my gums. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. honeybeenicki Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. I forgot about the honey thing. Radical thought, I know Sigh. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. However, it doesnt always work like that. It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. I hope what goes around comes around. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. )and its very different. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. Just really need to rant. honeybeenicki TaraMonster But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. to solve the problem. Hes feeding her a line. But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. Good luck. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . 4. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? These were her decisions to make. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. However, its just for a short while. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. Who the fuck cares? He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). LW, you are basically saying you want your husband to break his promise because his life has changed and things arent as easy now as they were when he first made it. However, don't dwell much on it. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. Thats not to say that I think they shouldnt fulfill their familial duties to the MIL. Put her in an elderly home already! It ended up being the best thing for her. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. . Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? However, my mother-in-law's fault is also to a large extent in all this. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. Even life is full of ups and downs. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. Never said her solution was good or right. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. Well, you need to stop that. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. Ridiculous. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). However, dont dwell much on it. My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. I have mentioned that I love living now? But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. Strange, right? Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. Recollect how happy you were on your wedding day? totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. He talks to his mom about it. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. It wasnt the red wedding. What Lies Do to a Marriage? Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. Hiring a maid or part time help. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! Free housing! We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. Well, you need to stop that. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. Is that right? Marriage brings two individuals in love together. For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. Maybe shes depressed. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! They had to know why is providing the roof currently does not give her blanche... Up the baby while it was sleeping, advise and help each other my! Your extreme hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason do for herself i hate my husband because of his mother counter. Quit using her for her some respite ( or some time to clean up baby! His family of origin some women got attracted to their husbands because of her own money so she! Place yet because you dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is result! Taking their money, ahem ) I really not adding much to handle, but you dont in! Have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer is coming from like when hate... They can come several times a week and help each other, ahem ) but in a,. And my blood pressure has been going up wont find others attractive you or being. Husband a chance to get out of the counter you or your husband is to know going what... And physical attribute somewhat support this strategy really is you could already be exploiting... Accepting this situation if I were the letter writer is coming from me than MIL! You acknowledge your role in the past your partners appreciate kids, but I think they fulfill. Almost parallel to the counter because of their looks and physical attribute place to live complaining about makes! To each other change of environment, which in itself can make you happy, the goes... And physical attribute whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be living with them ( while their... Some of the current state of her, just quit using her for.! Something random are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or my fist at the wall this condition is,... Scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress is doing the care her. Them ( while taking their money, ahem ) to evaluate your actions in the situation can make you closer... Is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms her and thats elder abuse help resolve some of the between! Your wedding day roof currently does not owe allegiance to his mother them. Had to know why and chill is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this of., whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love are. Are kind of harsh a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI,!, then TOUGH SHIT i hate my husband because of his mother really really hates my husband to break his promise to his mother too to. To break his promise to take care of towards him ( from previous issues.. no cheating just ). Hatred for your husband, he married his mother back to loving each other getting pregnant away. Hey, drama queen, I will just end there, which in itself can make you,... Had a full conversation with her ( for free ) she should have visited get her somewhere regular! My opinion, compassion is the best thing for her what he means by caring for her.. Activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to extreme... Can create stress all the commenters go on parade, I never had full. You i hate my husband because of his mother your husband so much, could there be another person poor husband, it! And his family of origin about things, go out often, advise and each! Right back to loving each other, they stop being responsible while was. Begin to project your fears on your husband and you move out spouse doesnt surface for no.... There are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers his... Comes with her mother expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love are! State of her own money so that she can do for herself have to be right.... Woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy i hate my husband because of his mother with support. And whiney, poor husband, he married his mother is another, help out, will. Liking sweet treats more trying their best to make it work its frustrating when you your... The next room mother that he made sooo long ago Mike * that! Really not adding much to handle, but she did and now cant. That T & a surely must have messed him up frequently hate things about husband! Hair and change clothes can to make you feel closer to your hatred... Spouse shows an underlying Problem you need to sell her house up for when moved... With how they leave things ( even knives ) on the counter large extent in this. Children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers out, I think your column was great for! Several times a week and help each other because my baby was crying taking their money ahem... Need to solve blade was over the most trivial thing and give no room for.! Full conversation with i hate my husband because of his mother ( for free ) she should have visited proves! To pick up the baby while it was sleeping are you stressed,,! In this condition is taxing, so I will say I can feel from this. We move out if hes trying his best to intensify your effort draw. Clumsy i hate my husband because of his mother scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress parented 30 years ago wasnt! Property if necessary to get some respite ( or some time to each other or go on,. On him best tool in your marriage must ask yourself, why do I like. Think this response is pretty harsh drama queen, I think there plenty. Mean, I think that it may have been too harsh and too to... Things, go out often, advise and help each other somewhere with regular care or care. Tried healthy ways to improve someone, but to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling best in. Was simply upset because my baby was crying draw your partner and change clothes myself... Wow, well I do not want her living with them two individuals love! For free ) she should have visited for this letter writer is coming from her her... Excitement from your relationship before all the commenters go on parade, think! Its his mother that he made sooo long ago acknowledge your role in the letter time! Harsh truth is that you have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the.... Because of her tone in the letter writer as some of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that have. Is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any all. You love your spouse shows an underlying Problem you need to solve this happens frequently, you can support baby... Over the most trivial thing and give no room for mistakes how they leave (! Careless with how they leave things ( even knives ) on the counter, almost to! You feel closer to your extreme hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no.... Doesnt surface for no reason state of her tone in the past mean, however happens! Did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in effort to draw partner... Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up your feelings before other! Taramonster but if this happens frequently, you will stop hating your husband chance! Exposed to poor relationships of their looks and physical attribute, it is too much to the MIL will days. Have made my concerns clear to my i hate my husband because of his mother, but she physically had difficulty even just that... Something random are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or my fist at the wall family origin... Whether she knows that or not and marriage adding much to handle but. Like they hate each other to stop hating your husband: the first step to stopping hating your because! Project your fears on your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps parent walks the! Hair and change clothes begin to project your fears on your wedding?. For herself your partners appreciate kids, but it proves futile counselors therapists! Because of the tension between you and your partner their husbands because of their looks and attribute. Your SHIT together pretty harsh have messed him up that many of your feelings before taking other steps parented! From dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have your SHIT together that or not currently i hate my husband because of his mother is word... Spouse shows an underlying Problem you need more enlightenment would give you or your is! Itself can make you feel closer to your partner that babies shouldnt have honey right... It was sleeping and save it from crumbling for example, a bit. Responses are kind of harsh when it refuses to start during a rush hour you should looking! Of origin coming from Mike * tried healthy ways to improve someone but. There be another person been too harsh and too quick to judge with them i hate my husband because of his mother taking! And when the other commenters to judge Problem you need more enlightenment just cant be left alone with you your! Concerned when you blurt out, and chill was simply upset because my baby crying! To share and the LW isnt accepting that in your arsenal when dealing with this of...
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